Thursday, December 31, 2009

on the road to nowhere

there comes a time in every blogger's life, when they have to ask themselves a few questions...why the hell do i keep updating this blog of mine? do i love to write, do i love to write about myself, do i love to share or is it a mixture of all of the above??

on more than a few occasion's i've heard these questions in my head, and i wonder whether i should continue this rambling of mine. in the new year, i resolve to figure out what this blog is going to become...more rambling? a knit blog? a mom blog? a food blog? a clever ruse for wasting time?

tune in for our next installment, when i figure this shit out.

cheers and happiest new year!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

putting this issue to rest

for a while now, i've been so back and forth in my head about sending harlan to preschool. big parts of me didn't see the point, large voices inside my head told me that he won't learn that way, and that being a stay at home mom, I could teach him these same things and in a more comfortable environment for him...but then, there was always the little voice, of doubt. the voice that whispers how i may be failing him on some level. they follow me around whenever i make any decision about harlan's future. preschool has become the standard for the northeast united states (as well as other places i'm sure). here, it seems, when your child is around the age of 2, you get the same look when you say you 'haven't picked out a preschool yet' as you get when your child is an infant and you tell people you didn't breastfeed. it's that look that moms give each other sometimes...that, "well, i guess everyone has their own way of raising their kids, but i think you're wrong" look (when really, they're doubting their own decisions too). it's good for their "social skills", everyone says, "even if they don't really learn anything". really? is it that good? can't i teach him social skills out in the real world, instead of having it taught to him in a classroom? riding the bus, going to museums, going to playgrounds, crafting at home, going to see music, looking at clouds, playing in the dirt...etc.etc....
i can imagine many situations where preschool would be beneficial for a child. i even agree with many of the preschool curriculums, like montessori, that focus more on creative play than on learning letters and numbers...but, for my own personal situation, i just don't see the need for it. and i don't want to rush harlan into learning things he's not ready to learn.
"Children must master the language of things, before they master the language of words" - Froebel, 1895

back and forth, back and forth. finally, after much research and painful self doubt, i feel i've come to a decision. as long as i am able to stay home during the day, harlan will not go to preschool.

there. i feel better. bring on puberty!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

mommy's alright, daddy's alright, they just seem a little wierd

i try not to blog all that much about parenting. i'm a parent, a stay at home parent, it's a big part of my life, but love him as i do, my child does not consume every detail of my being. the thing is, though, every single thing that happens with my child amazes me and astounds me. him, the way he is, the way his little friends are, the way other parents are, the way people without children react to him, the way i react to him, the way he reacts to me, to the world around is all so completely fascinating to me. i'm sure that's why there are so many parenting blogs already. even though it is all nothing new, nothing our parents and their parents and plenty of parents before them haven't felt. yet, we are all so flabbergasted and overwhelmed by the very act of creating a real, live human being, and watching them create themselves.

so, if i may, just an instance from my day to day for your consideration.
we were recently at smolak farms in north andover, ma to visit their pumpkin patch and just do the things that new england families do in the fall (eat cider donuts, leaf peep, pay a stupid amount of money for a ridiculously large pumpkin). they had some things set up to keep the kids entertained, including a large, bouncy slide thing. it had a little bouncy stairway on one side, a bouncy slide on the other. the only way to the top was to climb up this little stairway (very much like this). harlan was super excited about the slide. so like the good parents we are, we paid the 4 dollars for him to climb up and slide down. he's 2 1/2, but he's pretty tough, pretty athletic, tall for his age. he was the youngest on the slide. most kids being 7, 8, 9 years old, well over twice his size. as soon as he got on the stairs, i could sense disaster. he was too slow to climb as fast as the older kids. the older kids (all boys), started climbing over him using his face and shoulders as stairs and knocking him to the bottom in the process. i could not get to him, and he was getting pummeled by these kids. now, here's the interesting part, there were at least 12-15 parents standing at the bottom of this thing watching this happen...watching their own kids use this 2 1/2 year old's face as a stepping stone, and not one of them said one thing to ANY of their kids. anyone reading this who is a mother knows that it doesn't take much for a mother hen to get her feathers ruffled. and my feathers were fucking ruffled. i did everything short of grabbing each and every one of those kids by their hoodies and yanking them over the side of that thing. i yelled, i ROARED at these kids. i put the fear of god into their tiny, greasy faces. and STILL, not ONE parent said one word to anyone. not one word. no one told me to stop yelling at their kid, no one told the kids to stop stepping on faces. i was on my own. standing back, it was an absolutely fascinating social commentary. amazed. and flabbergasted.
boys are aggressive, harlan picks on kids younger than him right now. they NEED guidance, they NEED discipline if they're going to be decent adults. this scenario was such a testament to the massive amount of assholes in this country. (especially the ones running this country) just step on the little guy, get to the top, have your fun, do it again...and no one will say a thing.

the most amazing thing, even with all of the feet in his face, harlan loved that slide with every fiber of his being, you could see it on his face. he couldn't stop smiling. it was heart breaking, it really was.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

a dream and a heartbreak

my hubby is the sweetest man. he lets me sleep in most mornings until the absolute last minute when he has to leave for work. at 630am harlan wakes me up to cuddle, then gets up with hubby, then i fall back to sleep until 8am. it's a luxury that i do not take for granted.
but some mornings, in these in between sleeps, i dream. when the dreams are dark, the rest of the day is confusing. yesterday morning i dreamed about my younger brother...the brother in a prison in rural tennessee for a tragic crime i truly believe that he didn't commit.
the dream was set in a hill town, not sure why...looked like kentucky. i dreamed that nigel had been given the death penalty, but because of a paperwork mistake was able to walk right out of the courthouse without anyone noticing. he wasn't free, it would only be a matter of time before they were looking for him, but he was determined not to go back. he hid at our house (which was way up on top of a hill in the woods, a cabin, with a fireplace and lots of rugs, i remember vividly). at some point in the dream, i had to decide between the safety of my child and the safety of my brother...whether to turn him in or not. i woke up before the decision was made, but i woke up completely heartbroken just the same.
i realized throughout the day that i wasn't just heartbroken because of the dream...i was heartbroken because if nothing changes (appeal process fails), it will be 26 years before i see my brother again outside of a prison visiting room. 26 years before i get to see him paint again. 26 years before i get to share a meal with him. 26 years before i get to hear him play banjo again. 26 years before he has the freedom to walk into a room without being guided by a guard. he'll be in his fifties when he gets out, i'll be entering my sixties. the weight of the time is so intensely heavy.

for the entire rest of the day, i thought about him and felt completely helpless and heartbroken. i miss you nigel, i really do.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

time for the round up...

once again, i present to you, my three loyal readers, things i've been doing instead of blogging:
*inciting facebook comment riots
*inciting in-law family conflicts
*knitting knitting knitting
*watching my child be beautiful (awww..mush mush)
*making a list of people i'd like to kick in the face
*picking lots of p.y.o berries, apples, etc and sitting them on the counter so they can rot and mock my laziness.
*ignoring phone calls (as usual)
*ranting against pre school, then deciding i'm all for it, then ranting against it again.
*more knitting
*whining about how fat i am, and how crappy i always feel (while eating burger king)
*lusting after don draper (but not jon hamm)
*lusting after january jones (but not betty draper)
*visiting alpaca farms and dreaming
*seriously contemplating dying a blue streak in my hair and joining a roller derby league
*more dreaming
*listening to massive amounts of gillian welch
*checking over my facebook status updates to see what i've been up to for the past few weeks
*falling more crazy in love with the husband and his manly, husbandly ways (more mush)
*not blogging

that's about it friends. maybe i'll have something to say the spirit of blogging, i'll write even if i don't.

Friday, September 04, 2009

out with the old, in with the partially illiterate

call me old fashioned, but i'm a big fan of books. i love the way they smell, i love the way they feel in my bag, the weight of them, i love to sit on the couch and flip the pages...i'm a bit of a bibliofile. which is why, it made me sad, almost sick to my stomach when i read this article:
Say Goodbye to the Books, Cushing Academy removes all books and library to be replaced with internet 'Learning Center'

granted, i've read lots of sad articles lately, what with the state of the american health care system, so many things are coming to the forefront that my brain is overrun with anger and sadness on a daily basis. but, this article, this one just made me sad for the state of our human condition. i love technology. i really do. i'm involved in all of the social networks (with the exception of twitter, and i'm sure it's just a matter of time). if it weren't for the internet, i would have been to the doctor every other day when harlan was first born...if it weren't for the internet, i would be so out of the loop when it comes to new music that used to take me hours of record store shopping, and rooting out the good from the bad (which i just don't have time for anymore, although i still enjoy doing it).
there are many many reasons why the internet and forward thinking technology is a good thing.
that being said, to have a prep school to get rid of it's library, is, i think the beginning of the end for our literary future as a whole. electronic books haven't been able to fully get off the ground for years now...people just don't want to read a book from a screen, big or small. a prep school is supposedly the place in our nation that houses the best and brightest of our youth, and they are teaching the next generation that books in paper form are a outdated and obsolete?
what will happen, unfortunately, is that kids will just stop reading. teachers will stop assigning books to be read. we will become a society of synopsis and wiki literature.
i know, i know, everything in this post makes 'me' sound outdated and obsolete. but, seriously, we've given up so much for technology, can't we just allow ourselves this one caveat? books. literature.
quote from the article:
“Books are not a waste of space, and they won’t be until a digital book can tolerate as much sand, survive a coffee spill, and have unlimited power. When that happens, there will be next to no difference between that and a book.’’
here, here!
in with the new, yes. but, out with the old? please no.

*a letter from the headmaster at cushing academy regarding the library
*also an interview with him on NPR was really interesting and his reasons for making this decision made perfect sense (even if i'm still not in total agreement with him) on "technology in the classroom"

Friday, August 07, 2009

my 'missed connection' on craigslist

to the miserable pussy hipster who pushed me (twice) while i was dancing at the old crow medicine show at house of blues on wednesday;
i really really hope i ruined the rest of your evening. i could have made it worse by having you kicked out, but i didn't, because when you pushed me the second time and then ran behind your 5'2" girlfriend to hide, i couldn't help but laugh at you. i know your kind, you go to shows with your plaid pearl button shirts, your faded in all the right spot jeans (that you borrowed from your dad, who works a real job so you can pansy ass around boston and get an 'education'), your scraggly beard, your mussy hair, you're all about 'cool' stand around at shows with your arms crossed and scowl while everyone around you tries to have fun, and god forbid anyone dance or enjoy themselves when the band plays the single from their album, because oh my gawd, that is, like, SO uncool.
just a tip; i used to be a hipster like you, and then i grew up, and started enjoying my life and being nice to people...trying to make the world a nicer place to live in. i wasn't being an obnoxious drunk, i was dancing, and i was not aware that i was annoying you until you pushed me. the next time, how about being courteous and just saying 'excuse me, could you stop bumping into me, it's annoying.' that's all you have to do, it's a common courtesy that i'm pretty sure my two year old could figure out....instead of pushing me, like you're some spoiled rotten child with a dirty diaper.

seriously though, you should really be careful who you push around when you're at a show like that, because if my husband would have been there with me, he would have seriously hurt you.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

cutest little love song

this is darn near the cutest little love song i've ever heard...

In Spite Of Ourselves - John Prine

Monday, August 03, 2009

summer stories

oh my poor neglected blog. dear thing.
many stories to tell, but not many committed to memory enough to type out. we've been in TN for weeks, and just returned a few days ago. i feel like i had a visit to another planet. a lovely, lush, but stress filled planet. so much sadness surrounded by so much hot and humid beauty. i've found myself, on returning, listening to a lot of slide guitar and lynard skynard (' me a song curtis low, curtis low, i got your drinkin' money, tune up your dobro..') good thing the weather in MA is almost as hot and sticky as TN was, the lifestyle re adjustment was easier.

my family. where do i begin. just insanity. i love them all dearly, so dearly, but i don't know what to do to help them in any way.

i can't write about anything. just wanted to post something to keep my blog from dying.

random thoughts from tennessee:

-humid air like molasses on a hot biscuit
-aplaca farms on the tops of hills
-stella artois at the walmart
-defeated creek beach and swimming in the cumberland
(still slightly scared of being pulled under by a giant catfish)
-fried catfish at helen's
-charred shine the color of light maple syrup, but with more kick
-sheep herding pyrenees laying in the middle of the road and harassing cars
-sweet sugary summer cantaloupe
-tomatoes and biscuits for breakfast
-drunk singin' with my sweet lovely man on lloyd's front porch
-deer everywhere
-cows everywhere
-prison visit with my little bro in the cotton fields
-crawfish sushi on the way home from jackson
-bugs, bugs and many biting bugs
-taking my toddler the roberts honky tonk down on lower so drunk there one night i let the steel player take me home
-seeing nashville become the city it has always wanted to be
-bought some moccasins in VA off the blue ridge parkway
-the kudzu almost pulled me in and kept me
-that drawl...that southern sound that creeps into my mouth two days after i drop down beneath the mason dixon line and gets thicker and thicker with every sip of beer i drink...that drawl that made me crazy when i was an idiot teenager, but these days makes me close my eyes and just fall in love again...

Pretty Saro - Iris DeMent

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

happy little things

fresh picked strawbellies

little new tomatoes from my stoop

seashells by the seashore

Monday, June 22, 2009

when all is said and done...

hubby is still out of work, unemployment checks haven't started and our insurance has lapsed. to most, this would seem a nightmare, but we've had some really great days lately that have made me step back and take stock of what i 'really' have. days that have inspired me, days that have blown me over with their beauty and days that have made me say, 'you know what, i really am better than this'.
these days have also made me have another thought, possibly more sinister. it's no secret that i don't have friendly feelings toward my husband's old boss. my husband has taken it in stride, bygones be bygones, no hard feelings, all that sort of thing. but i feel that my husband was wronged, and i feel that his boss knows it, and i feel it was intentional. i know that jealousy played a huge part of it, even if his boss was unaware of his own feelings. and on my better days, my most beautiful days, i think to will never have this. when all is said and done, you know you will never have what we have, and you hate us for it. even if you were out in this strawberry field with us, you wouldn't have what we have. mentally, you are no where near us. you can't allow that sort of happiness to seep into your conscience. and it eats you alive.

when all is said and done, it's about family and friends. it's not about jobs, it's not about money, it's NOT 'just business'. it is your heart that you live with, and your heart that you die with. it can destroy you or it can make you a better person, that's up to you.

this is me, letting go of you. and wishing you the best. wishing you the changes that you need and so desperately want. mentally, and in your heart.


some may find this post cold, or maybe too personal to be speaking of someone who was "just my husband's boss"...but the thing is, he wasn't just his boss, he was a close friend of ours, his wife was my husband's first cousin. i felt deeply for these people, and i am deeply saddened for this loss of friendship with them. but, it is abundantly clear that 'business' comes before family or friendship for them, and i honestly hope they eventually work this out in their own hearts.

Monday, June 15, 2009

all these little things

for two months now, i've been, 'out of sorts'. that's what i keep calling it. pretty sure it's a mixture of stress from now being an unemployed family and a change in birth control (fucking with my hormones, not my idea of cool).
one thing is sure, i feel like crap. and i've become mean. like leroy brown mean.
like cruella deville mean. and i've gained weight, only a few pounds, but enough to make my size 12's stretch tragically close to a size 14. (and they should be size 8's in the first place).
if therapy has taught me anything, it's that when you don't take care of yourself first, the people you love the most suffer the most. and my people's are suffering.
it's time for (yet another) change.
i have no delusions of grandeur that this will be the time that sticks. who knows. i'm positive, but i know myself (thanks therapy). so, i will say, yes, i'm going to change. and know full well, i might have to cut and paste this post to another day a few months from now.
we'll see. one this is for sure, it's not going to hurt me to try. in fact, i'm hoping just the opposite.

lighter news...
had a beautiful, relaxing time in provincetown this past weekend. realized that life really is good when you are surrounded by wonderful friends and wonderful beaches :-).
my poor toddler, bless his heart, he had a rough time of it this weekend. we learned last summer, after a silly trip to the emergency room in a suburb of chicago, that he was allergic to mosquitoes. he gets huge knots wherever they bite him...i'm talking HUGE. no one believed us. we would tell tales of his bites, and they would say things like, 'oh yeah, i'm allergic too' (and we would look at them and think, um, no, you aren't, not like this).
but this time, we have photographic evidence. he gets what is off offhandedly known as "skeeter syndrome".
this was day two of the bite. they don't swell until a day after he gets the bite.

this was today. his eye was swollen shut when he woke up. nothing to do but dose him with benedryl.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

breaks my heart

today california once again voted to continue the ban on gay marriage and uphold prop 8.
there is so much sadness in this world, are there any real reasons why we should strive to create more of it based simply on personal or cultural religious reasons?
it is assumed that in the united states you can not outlaw something based on religious reasons alone...but when the arguments against gay marriage arise, there are no arguments that i can see that aren't somehow based on a religious belief. how does this make the united states any different from other countries that do create laws based solely for religious reasons??
honestly, i could talk politics all day long about this subject, but when it comes right down to it, the gay marriage ban just breaks my heart. it breaks my heart for some of my closest friends who are so very much in love and can't, like everyone else, make it "legal". basically each state against the legalization of gay marriage is saying to them, "you can have your civil unions, but you can't have the word 'marriage', that's reserved for us heterosexuals, who 'really' love each other and aren't sinners or 'abnormal'."
you know it wasn't that long ago that it was illegal for a caucasian and an african american to marry as well.
really? on the issue of marriage equality, have we just stopped evolving?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

i did it my way

let's assess the situation...
today i spent most of the morning at the playground (i have a toddler, i'm not a weirdo).
i took a two hour nap in the middle of the day.
i walked to the corner store and bought two scratch tickets (and broke even).
i printed out applications for food stamps.
i posted, like, fifteen links on facebook.
i knitted another portion of my homemade wedding gift for a friend.

lady of leisure? maybe. scared of becoming homeless? possibly.
desperately needing some direction? absolutely.

Hallelujah, Im a Bum - Al Jolson

Friday, May 15, 2009

mbta woes

i was all set to post a whiny rant about the mass bay transportation authority, they've been pissing me off for a while now (say, since i've lived here)...and today, our ride on the subway sucked, to say the least. (stalled at MGH, 10 minutes, stalled at kendall, 10 min, stalled at central, 15 off with toddler and walked to harvard square, 20 min walk in beating sun...tried to catch shuttle to davis square since train service was suspended, it was full, waited for another, 25 min...went back into tunnel to get out of sun, train finally back up and running....15 minute train ride turned into an hour and half ordeal with a very tired toddler..who was a trooper, god bless him).

it was a perfectly beautiful day today. the toddler and i went downtown to boston common to hang out with some super cool friends and rode the carousel, played at the frog pond playground, had a picnic lunch under a big shady tree, chased some was all peachy and wonderfully cheap entertainment. then, there was the train ride home (as mentioned above), ugh, i was 'irritable' when i finally arrived home, to say the least.

then i read the reason why the train was stalled, and i thought, my life is pretty damn good. i'm alive, and that counts for more than i often realize.

Friday, May 01, 2009

this is how we deal

my husband is in the kitchen making food. before he became the lone breadwinner, he cooked, all the time. then we antiquated our gender roles and he brought home the bacon so i could fry it up in a pan, so to speak. we'll see how it goes this time around.
he's listening to townes van zandt. quite possibly, the saddest music in the world. you see, that's what he does, to deal with the hard times. he listens to indescribably sad music. me, i use serious distraction techniques. when my first marriage was dissolving, i think i probably read close to 30 books in a six month period (many of them about whaling or artic exploration, not sure why) . even before ernie lost his job, we were stressed about money and my distraction was knitting. i like knitting, and i've been knitting so much that my left wrist is swollen. so, i think i'm going to go back to reading. which i've not really done since harlan was born. i know, i was totally one of those intellectual types who was all like, 'i'm not going to let some silly kid change my life'...blah blah blah. i can barely finish an article in people magazine, much less finish a goddamn novel.
for me, there's mcsweeny's. oh, how i love mcsweeny's...let me count the ways.
for head aches today, and i'm still terrified of the future...but, this cracked me up.

also on topic, and hilarious;

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

settling in

a few days out from the job loss. fear has completely settled into our bones. we weren't rich before, but now, now we are almost without options. we are both creative, yes, but we are both "self educated"...our lives never afforded us the opportunity for a college education. as we got older, it was one of those things we always put off doing. and then when hubby found this job, he built himself a place with this company, and he was making a pretty good living. we have a nice car, we have a nice place to live, a yard, a dog, nice clothes. then we had harlan, we felt stable. things became seriously 'adult'. deep inside, we knew we were just fooling ourselves, we knew that our future was completely tied to the moods of his boss, and his kept us up some nights, but we let it go.
still, a person makes their own decisions. and our decision was to leave ourselves open, without options and to get nice and cuddly into a very unstable situation.
and here we are. in full on freak out mode. i feel like i've been hit by a truck. in my youth, i would have seen this as an opportunity, a wonderful freedom that was plopped in my lap. but not now. not with a family. i am terrified. harlan is coming up on pre school age, and i have these horrible childhood memories of moving 4 times before i was age 7 (my dad was a plumber, there were always layoffs). it's not fun for a kid, and they DO remember.

i'm trying desperately to stay positive, but every time my mind wanders, i feel the tears in my throat. just doing quick searches for employment on craigslist for different cities turns up nothing for someone with no college education...not anything that will support us. we need healthcare, we need a substantial salary, and we need an apartment that will accept dogs.
peaches, right?

i'm going to stop writing now.


possible cities to live in:

portland oregon
omaha nebraska
raleigh-durham, north carolina
st.paul minnesota
san antonio texas
austin texas

alright, anyone have any advice?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


haven't been blogging in a bit. i've grown a little tired of reading what i'm writing, and some days it's all i can do just to come up with a facebook status update. (oh, woe is me, right?)
today, started ok. the weather was supposed to be nice and hot. very hot for this time of year. i had to do some errands in medford square, and hubby took the car so i rallied harlan together and we shuffled down to the bus stop. when we got to our stop, i noticed that the place we were going was closed until may 2nd (small toy store, but still, who does business like that any more?). i called hubby. no answer. called him again on his work phone, and his boss answered...strange...'is ernie there?' answer..."hello???"...still no answer, then click. they hung up.
again, strange. but i didn't think anything of it until i got two missed messages on my cell phone from "home" home, the one no one was supposed to be at.
crap. my stomach sank.
i knew immediately what had happened. but i hoped for the best.
i called home. hubby answered. 'hey, what are you doing home?'. hard swallow.
'just lost my job'...'i just don't know what we're going to do'.
crap, again.

we sort of knew it was was abrupt, still. but so it goes. people are bizarre and they have their ways. i know his boss reads my blog, so i won't give him the satisfaction of any further comments.

i told hubby to come down and meet up for pizza. (what else was there to do, right, i mean, it was absolutely balmy and beautiful outside) the both of us were still in shock. the fact that the loss of a job can be such a huge blow is something i've never been able to get used to. it's always bothered me intensely, even if i hated the job. i just didn't like the idea of 'failing' at anything. now, with a child, and a dog, and car payment, and lots of medical's even more daunting. there's unemployment, but we live in the greater boston area, unemployment won't even be a drop in the bucket for us. i've always wanted to leave this area...but recently, i've made some really good friends here, and i was beginning to get used to (somewhat) the idea of maybe sticking around a bit longer. but, now. now, we must re think things.

i keep telling myself all the things i have to be thankful for. we're better off than most. right now, anyway. still, the pit in my stomach is there. fear (mixed with anger)...instability, and uncertainty. wondering when we'll be able to 'settle'...if ever.

stay positive. what else is there to do, right?

Thursday, April 02, 2009


einstein's definition of insanity was this:
doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

as previously mentioned, i'm on the weight loss wagon. an old, well worn wagon, on a long, bumpy, bitchy road, that usually ends with me laying in the mud, wondering why all of my clothes are a size 8 but i actually wear a size 12. it's a road most women throughout their lives are on. we gain, we lose, we gain, we lose. some of us get it together, but most of us fuel the weight loss industry with fervor and every last bit of our money and good sense goes right out the window.

at this point in my life, if i were healthy, and i had the financial means to buy great, new clothes in a size 12...i don't know if would ever lose weight. i like my round figure, even if it is out of fashion. but, here's the thing; i have no energy. my toddler watches way too much television because of my low energy. my bones seem to ache, and not from age, just from sedentary living and bad eating habits. and, i AM aging. i feel it, every day. i don't care what size i am, i just want to feel better.

so, i'm trying something different this time. slowly, diligently, one thing at a time. for the past 3 weeks, i've been working out, 20 minutes a day. no diet. i missed three days toward the end, but i'm back on track now. today, i start an eating plan. not a diet, but a way i would like to eat, from now on.
to boost me into this, i'm giving weight watchers one week of my time. and i'm going to follow it diligently.
here's the thing about weight watchers. i don't like the program. throughout my life, i've known SO many women on WW and here's the pattern...they go on, they lose a ton of weight, they go off, they gain it back, etc. i've seen WW in all of it's many incarnations. i know, it does seem to be a pattern with people no matter what program they're on. don't blame the program, right? but, honestly, i know the points system is meant to teach a way of eating and not to be a rule, but it's tedious, and i don't think it's meant for "happy" living. so, i'm not "joining" weight watchers, but for one week, i need a log, i NEED to be tedious about my eating. (and they do a one week free trial, bonus!)
**i am, by no means, mocking anyone on the WW program. people do what they need to do to make things work within themselves. and if it works for some, they should stick with what works.**

well. after that rant, i'm off to make sure my toddler isn't puking on the furniture...ahh, the joys of a stomach virus. there's at least one person in this house losing weight.

and now, a song i've recently fallen totally in love with:

Furr - Blitzen Trapper

Sunday, March 22, 2009

fear leaving the 12 of jillian michael's 30 day shred

here's the thing about doing the same 20 minute workout every day for 10 days (now on day 12) is goddamn boring. it's short term, yes, but during this short term, it's getting tedious (actually, it was tedious 6 days ago).
it's a solid workout, a good workout. tried and true favorites like crunches, squats, push ups, jumping jacks...nothing fancy, nothing fashionable. you feel it in the end, and for days after. and jillian michaels? yeah, she's annoying, and not necessarily the most attractive bird to look at (in fact, i'm realizing more and more how much she looks like a tiny man)...but she's motivating, and i take comfort in the fact that she used to be a fatty.
no weight loss to speak of, but my pants are beginning to not fit in odd places. no diet change, so wasn't really expecting a weight loss, but sticking to the same workout, day in and day's a job. comparable, i would say, to having a job sorting rubber rings, or inspecting bread in a can.

even more fascinating than doing the workout is writing about it. so, maybe this won't be a weight loss blog. because you know what, they suck. and i don't know if i have the literary where-with-all to make it interesting.

off we go.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

kissing the lipless

here i am, it was bound to happen. i knew eventually i would stop prattling on about nothing and this blog would become yet another "weight loss" blog. i'm giving up.
and turning over a new leaf. or something like that. i would love to be the flippant, too cool to work out, too cool to talk about it, type...i'd love to drink all night long, eat fried food and still look good in my size eights (oh, to be 23 again)...but i'm not. i'm getting old, i need boundaries, i need regiments, i need to document.

i had a baby, i'm in my thirties, i'm 35 pounds overweight. i love my curves, so don't be hatin', but i don't have the money to buy a new wardrobe, so i have to work it out.
or, work it off. i've enlisted the help of a close friend. she's acting as my 'life coach' of sorts. she's good at this sort of thing, and our brains seem to work in similar patterns. she's an organized motivator, and not in a pushy, martha stewart sort of way, but more like 'this is me, this is how i roll, take it or leave it'.

first goal. no weight loss. in 20 days, i work out for 20 minutes a day (i chose to use the jillian michael's 30 day shred work out, because i tried it before, and i liked it). if weight loss comes, it comes, but that's not my goal for the next few weeks. i'm working on simple perseverance. strengthening of will.
she's also set up daily goals for me to meet, which she emails to me daily. it's day two, and my goal for the day was every time the clock hits :20, i have to get up and dance for one minute, no matter where i am. i have to do this 10, i can skip dancing if i'm driving in my car, etc.
at first i thought...goofy? but i love to dance, and soon realized the most fun for me would be had by picking out which songs i was going to put on while i danced. the strange stares from my toddler make it a bit harder (he seems to know somethings up).
but, still, i've finished two 'dance sessions' already, and i'm excited. i've even found it hard to stop dancing when the minute is up, i feel like i have to finish the song out. (and yeah, there will be some gwen stefani coming out of my speakers today, maybe even some fergie..'wanta go down like london, london, london'..hehe)
it also makes me really want to go out dancing at zuzu's soulalujah again, because honestly, how bad can life be when you're dancing with wild abandon to soul music from the 60's.

here we go...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

another show, another dollar

need to see more live music...
elvis perkins in dearland
april 22, brattle theater, 9pm, 15$
any takers?

While You Were Sleeping - Elvis Perkins

just lovely.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

my life as a series of facebook status updates

April Watkins-Doeg....

...needs a new travel mug.
* i really do, it thoroughly annoyed me this morning while taking my husband to work, that there was a giant, wonderful, fresh pot of coffee on our counter that i didn't have time to drink nor did i have anything 'mobile' to put it in to take with me. solution; i stopped at dunkin donuts, where the coffee was so gd hot that i couldn't drink it until i got home. ironic, yes. irritating, double yes.

...just might clean her house.
* i did, i cleaned my house so i wouldn't look like a completely inept housemum to the rest of my mom friends when i hosted the weekly stitch and bitch. i really really cleaned the three rooms of my house that everyone would see, the rest, well, not clean so much. once again super pissed about the snow and poop in her backyard.
* yep, even after a HUGE fight with the hubs over cleaning up the massive amount of poop in the back yard before it snows because our precious child can not play in the snow in his own backyard for fear of "poop smear"...our yard, was once again covered in poop during the early spring snowstorm this past week. i feel like a lazy, white trash troll. drowning her winter blahs in contruction paper daisy chains.
* the snow is lovely, but i'm more than ready for it to go away. i think the real bitter pill to swallow with this week's snowstorm was the day before it snowed, it was 50 degrees outside and we were at the playground in our jackets as if spring was actually here. oh, winter you butterfaced bitch. i'm pretty sure even my two year old is sick of the snow at this point. needless to say, the only decoration besides balloons as harlan's 2 year birthday party this saturday will be lots of construction paper daisy chains forged out of absolute boredom.

i love facebook. it's always there for me when i need some serious self love. i do wish i were a bit less addicted, but hey, everyone has a few vices, right?

Friday, February 27, 2009

things i miss

i miss my skinny jeans...i miss dancing at zuzu's soulelujah...i miss my wild abandon...i miss my friends that have moved away...i miss bbq's in the back yard...i miss montreal...i miss what my shoulders feel like without this weight on them...i miss the freckles that have faded for wrinkles...i miss sitting on the back porch...i miss napping in the grass in union square park...i miss flip flops...i miss tank tops and what my arms used to look like...i miss the tennessee heat and humidity...i miss dragon park...i miss roaming through record stores aimlessly...i miss bubble.pop.electric...i miss road trips...i miss robbie's dad's penthouse...i miss coney island...i miss warm sand...i miss a good bagel...i miss a lot.

many of these things will be back, i'll see them again...but some...they'll never be back. i've noticed lately i've been searching for new things to replace them. i feel downtrodden but fortunate.

i'm putting a lot of faith in this summer.
something as simple as not having to feel a chill when i walk outside may be enough to cure me.

don't dare be hatin', i really like this song, i really do.

Crack A Bottle - Eminem, Dr. Dre, 50 Cent

Friday, February 20, 2009

i still kinda love you zach condon

new beirut album!!! double cd!! two totally different sounds, two totally different albums. muy bueno!!

Beirut - March of the Zapotec and Realpeople Holland

Friday, February 13, 2009

can the swedes get any more adorable??

the powerful innocence in their voices almost rips my heart out. not to mention it's just a great fleet foxes song to begin with. i love the swedish.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

norway's finest

a fairly straight forward cover, but it's by one of my favorite indie guys (ac newman or new pornographers fame) and it makes me happy, none the less.

AC Newman - Take On Me.mp3 -

didn't i just blog?

things i've been doing instead of blogging

1. knitting my balls off: christmas time was a marathon knitting month for me, and after that i decided that i would actually like to start taking it seriously and knitting more than scarves and hats. i've learned lots of new skills and even accomplished writing out my first pattern. when i think of all there is to learn, i still get overwhelmed, but will approach it with zen...when you know all there is to know about everything, there's no longer reason to live.
2. tickling the living daylights out of my two year old: never did i imagine that i would spend almost fully half of my days in tickle fights with a toddler.
3. alternately freaking out about the economy and not caring about the economy: i'm really sick of hearing about it, especially since i live in a city where when people go on a budget it means they may have to buy their bugaboo stroller used and their teenagers may have to settle for a crappy lexus instead of a bmw for their sweet 16.
4. consuming way too much caffeine
5. facebook : i hate you! (just kidding, you know i love you baby)
6. continuing to be disgusted by nip/tuck and not being able to stop watching it.
7. drinking the shit out of some mich ultra amber (my new diet drink)
8. thinking the media should leave michael phelps alone and get the fuck over it.
9. thinking the media should leave christian bale alone and get the fuck over it.
10. continuing to be super happy i voted for obama and disliking most republicans.

add to that a copious amount of toddler playdates; being sick, being healthy, being sick again (and again); boohoo-ing about my ever growing ass; complaining about the winter and wishing for spring; sex with the hubs; obsessing over japan; crushing on jon stewart; lots of laying around in my pajamas; listening to that fleet foxes album over and over again; and constantly searching for that pot at the end of the rainbow when it's right in front my face.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


who says he doesn't show any emotion???

Sunday, January 18, 2009

oh snow and boredom

don't feel like posting. here's a song.

Why Do You Let Me Stay Here? - She and Him

i don't care much for zooey deschanel as an actress. honestly, i think her eyes are dead on screen and she annoys the hell out of me. BUT, as an indie rock darling, she's cute, and her voice is cute, and her pop songs are good, and i like her.
like this song, feels like summer, and the beach. and i miss being warm.