Monday, June 22, 2009

when all is said and done...

hubby is still out of work, unemployment checks haven't started and our insurance has lapsed. to most, this would seem a nightmare, but we've had some really great days lately that have made me step back and take stock of what i 'really' have. days that have inspired me, days that have blown me over with their beauty and days that have made me say, 'you know what, i really am better than this'.
these days have also made me have another thought, possibly more sinister. it's no secret that i don't have friendly feelings toward my husband's old boss. my husband has taken it in stride, bygones be bygones, no hard feelings, all that sort of thing. but i feel that my husband was wronged, and i feel that his boss knows it, and i feel it was intentional. i know that jealousy played a huge part of it, even if his boss was unaware of his own feelings. and on my better days, my most beautiful days, i think to will never have this. when all is said and done, you know you will never have what we have, and you hate us for it. even if you were out in this strawberry field with us, you wouldn't have what we have. mentally, you are no where near us. you can't allow that sort of happiness to seep into your conscience. and it eats you alive.

when all is said and done, it's about family and friends. it's not about jobs, it's not about money, it's NOT 'just business'. it is your heart that you live with, and your heart that you die with. it can destroy you or it can make you a better person, that's up to you.

this is me, letting go of you. and wishing you the best. wishing you the changes that you need and so desperately want. mentally, and in your heart.


some may find this post cold, or maybe too personal to be speaking of someone who was "just my husband's boss"...but the thing is, he wasn't just his boss, he was a close friend of ours, his wife was my husband's first cousin. i felt deeply for these people, and i am deeply saddened for this loss of friendship with them. but, it is abundantly clear that 'business' comes before family or friendship for them, and i honestly hope they eventually work this out in their own hearts.


debbeblue said...

I understood what you were saying before the addendum, but I understand why you added it too.

It's evolution - of who a persin is that you are really touching on. Some of us, when tasked with something ugly, can break it into parts, and handle it. As both the deliverer, and the recipoent. Were you in the situation of the boss, you would have handled it better - surely, and it's that anger that stays. the anger of "I thought you were more evolved emotionally and expected a different delivery of this message" Some people will find comfort by saying "Oh no matter HOW it happened you'd still be pissed" but the truth is, you wouldn't. There's a way to end thing that doesn't leave anyone at fault. And the fact that this ending was ugly, is, well, ugly.

iwuzcuz said...
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aprildawn said...
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Jamie Von Weeks said...

Well said my dear. Some people will never be more than they are right now; some people find security in their bitterness and will protect it at all cost.