Tuesday, June 23, 2009

happy little things

fresh picked strawbellies

little new tomatoes from my stoop

seashells by the seashore

Monday, June 22, 2009

when all is said and done...

hubby is still out of work, unemployment checks haven't started and our insurance has lapsed. to most, this would seem a nightmare, but we've had some really great days lately that have made me step back and take stock of what i 'really' have. days that have inspired me, days that have blown me over with their beauty and days that have made me say, 'you know what, i really am better than this'.
these days have also made me have another thought, possibly more sinister. it's no secret that i don't have friendly feelings toward my husband's old boss. my husband has taken it in stride, bygones be bygones, no hard feelings, all that sort of thing. but i feel that my husband was wronged, and i feel that his boss knows it, and i feel it was intentional. i know that jealousy played a huge part of it, even if his boss was unaware of his own feelings. and on my better days, my most beautiful days, i think to myself..you will never have this. when all is said and done, you know you will never have what we have, and you hate us for it. even if you were out in this strawberry field with us, you wouldn't have what we have. mentally, you are no where near us. you can't allow that sort of happiness to seep into your conscience. and it eats you alive.

when all is said and done, it's about family and friends. it's not about jobs, it's not about money, it's NOT 'just business'. it is your heart that you live with, and your heart that you die with. it can destroy you or it can make you a better person, that's up to you.

this is me, letting go of you. and wishing you the best. wishing you the changes that you need and so desperately want. mentally, and in your heart.


some may find this post cold, or maybe too personal to be speaking of someone who was "just my husband's boss"...but the thing is, he wasn't just his boss, he was a close friend of ours, his wife was my husband's first cousin. i felt deeply for these people, and i am deeply saddened for this loss of friendship with them. but, it is abundantly clear that 'business' comes before family or friendship for them, and i honestly hope they eventually work this out in their own hearts.

Monday, June 15, 2009

all these little things

for two months now, i've been, 'out of sorts'. that's what i keep calling it. pretty sure it's a mixture of stress from now being an unemployed family and a change in birth control (fucking with my hormones, not my idea of cool).
one thing is sure, i feel like crap. and i've become mean. like leroy brown mean.
like cruella deville mean. and i've gained weight, only a few pounds, but enough to make my size 12's stretch tragically close to a size 14. (and they should be size 8's in the first place).
if therapy has taught me anything, it's that when you don't take care of yourself first, the people you love the most suffer the most. and my people's are suffering.
it's time for (yet another) change.
i have no delusions of grandeur that this will be the time that sticks. who knows. i'm positive, but i know myself (thanks therapy). so, i will say, yes, i'm going to change. and know full well, i might have to cut and paste this post to another day a few months from now.
we'll see. one this is for sure, it's not going to hurt me to try. in fact, i'm hoping just the opposite.

lighter news...
had a beautiful, relaxing time in provincetown this past weekend. realized that life really is good when you are surrounded by wonderful friends and wonderful beaches :-).
my poor toddler, bless his heart, he had a rough time of it this weekend. we learned last summer, after a silly trip to the emergency room in a suburb of chicago, that he was allergic to mosquitoes. he gets huge knots wherever they bite him...i'm talking HUGE. no one believed us. we would tell tales of his bites, and they would say things like, 'oh yeah, i'm allergic too' (and we would look at them and think, um, no, you aren't, not like this).
but this time, we have photographic evidence. he gets what is off offhandedly known as "skeeter syndrome".
this was day two of the bite. they don't swell until a day after he gets the bite.

this was today. his eye was swollen shut when he woke up. nothing to do but dose him with benedryl.