Wednesday, April 29, 2009

settling in

a few days out from the job loss. fear has completely settled into our bones. we weren't rich before, but now, now we are almost without options. we are both creative, yes, but we are both "self educated"...our lives never afforded us the opportunity for a college education. as we got older, it was one of those things we always put off doing. and then when hubby found this job, he built himself a place with this company, and he was making a pretty good living. we have a nice car, we have a nice place to live, a yard, a dog, nice clothes. then we had harlan, we felt stable. things became seriously 'adult'. deep inside, we knew we were just fooling ourselves, we knew that our future was completely tied to the moods of his boss, and his kept us up some nights, but we let it go.
still, a person makes their own decisions. and our decision was to leave ourselves open, without options and to get nice and cuddly into a very unstable situation.
and here we are. in full on freak out mode. i feel like i've been hit by a truck. in my youth, i would have seen this as an opportunity, a wonderful freedom that was plopped in my lap. but not now. not with a family. i am terrified. harlan is coming up on pre school age, and i have these horrible childhood memories of moving 4 times before i was age 7 (my dad was a plumber, there were always layoffs). it's not fun for a kid, and they DO remember.

i'm trying desperately to stay positive, but every time my mind wanders, i feel the tears in my throat. just doing quick searches for employment on craigslist for different cities turns up nothing for someone with no college education...not anything that will support us. we need healthcare, we need a substantial salary, and we need an apartment that will accept dogs.
peaches, right?

i'm going to stop writing now.


possible cities to live in:

portland oregon
omaha nebraska
raleigh-durham, north carolina
st.paul minnesota
san antonio texas
austin texas

alright, anyone have any advice?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


haven't been blogging in a bit. i've grown a little tired of reading what i'm writing, and some days it's all i can do just to come up with a facebook status update. (oh, woe is me, right?)
today, started ok. the weather was supposed to be nice and hot. very hot for this time of year. i had to do some errands in medford square, and hubby took the car so i rallied harlan together and we shuffled down to the bus stop. when we got to our stop, i noticed that the place we were going was closed until may 2nd (small toy store, but still, who does business like that any more?). i called hubby. no answer. called him again on his work phone, and his boss answered...strange...'is ernie there?' answer..."hello???"...still no answer, then click. they hung up.
again, strange. but i didn't think anything of it until i got two missed messages on my cell phone from "home" home, the one no one was supposed to be at.
crap. my stomach sank.
i knew immediately what had happened. but i hoped for the best.
i called home. hubby answered. 'hey, what are you doing home?'. hard swallow.
'just lost my job'...'i just don't know what we're going to do'.
crap, again.

we sort of knew it was was abrupt, still. but so it goes. people are bizarre and they have their ways. i know his boss reads my blog, so i won't give him the satisfaction of any further comments.

i told hubby to come down and meet up for pizza. (what else was there to do, right, i mean, it was absolutely balmy and beautiful outside) the both of us were still in shock. the fact that the loss of a job can be such a huge blow is something i've never been able to get used to. it's always bothered me intensely, even if i hated the job. i just didn't like the idea of 'failing' at anything. now, with a child, and a dog, and car payment, and lots of medical's even more daunting. there's unemployment, but we live in the greater boston area, unemployment won't even be a drop in the bucket for us. i've always wanted to leave this area...but recently, i've made some really good friends here, and i was beginning to get used to (somewhat) the idea of maybe sticking around a bit longer. but, now. now, we must re think things.

i keep telling myself all the things i have to be thankful for. we're better off than most. right now, anyway. still, the pit in my stomach is there. fear (mixed with anger)...instability, and uncertainty. wondering when we'll be able to 'settle'...if ever.

stay positive. what else is there to do, right?

Thursday, April 02, 2009


einstein's definition of insanity was this:
doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

as previously mentioned, i'm on the weight loss wagon. an old, well worn wagon, on a long, bumpy, bitchy road, that usually ends with me laying in the mud, wondering why all of my clothes are a size 8 but i actually wear a size 12. it's a road most women throughout their lives are on. we gain, we lose, we gain, we lose. some of us get it together, but most of us fuel the weight loss industry with fervor and every last bit of our money and good sense goes right out the window.

at this point in my life, if i were healthy, and i had the financial means to buy great, new clothes in a size 12...i don't know if would ever lose weight. i like my round figure, even if it is out of fashion. but, here's the thing; i have no energy. my toddler watches way too much television because of my low energy. my bones seem to ache, and not from age, just from sedentary living and bad eating habits. and, i AM aging. i feel it, every day. i don't care what size i am, i just want to feel better.

so, i'm trying something different this time. slowly, diligently, one thing at a time. for the past 3 weeks, i've been working out, 20 minutes a day. no diet. i missed three days toward the end, but i'm back on track now. today, i start an eating plan. not a diet, but a way i would like to eat, from now on.
to boost me into this, i'm giving weight watchers one week of my time. and i'm going to follow it diligently.
here's the thing about weight watchers. i don't like the program. throughout my life, i've known SO many women on WW and here's the pattern...they go on, they lose a ton of weight, they go off, they gain it back, etc. i've seen WW in all of it's many incarnations. i know, it does seem to be a pattern with people no matter what program they're on. don't blame the program, right? but, honestly, i know the points system is meant to teach a way of eating and not to be a rule, but it's tedious, and i don't think it's meant for "happy" living. so, i'm not "joining" weight watchers, but for one week, i need a log, i NEED to be tedious about my eating. (and they do a one week free trial, bonus!)
**i am, by no means, mocking anyone on the WW program. people do what they need to do to make things work within themselves. and if it works for some, they should stick with what works.**

well. after that rant, i'm off to make sure my toddler isn't puking on the furniture...ahh, the joys of a stomach virus. there's at least one person in this house losing weight.

and now, a song i've recently fallen totally in love with:

Furr - Blitzen Trapper