Wednesday, April 29, 2009

settling in

a few days out from the job loss. fear has completely settled into our bones. we weren't rich before, but now, now we are almost without options. we are both creative, yes, but we are both "self educated"...our lives never afforded us the opportunity for a college education. as we got older, it was one of those things we always put off doing. and then when hubby found this job, he built himself a place with this company, and he was making a pretty good living. we have a nice car, we have a nice place to live, a yard, a dog, nice clothes. then we had harlan, we felt stable. things became seriously 'adult'. deep inside, we knew we were just fooling ourselves, we knew that our future was completely tied to the moods of his boss, and his kept us up some nights, but we let it go.
still, a person makes their own decisions. and our decision was to leave ourselves open, without options and to get nice and cuddly into a very unstable situation.
and here we are. in full on freak out mode. i feel like i've been hit by a truck. in my youth, i would have seen this as an opportunity, a wonderful freedom that was plopped in my lap. but not now. not with a family. i am terrified. harlan is coming up on pre school age, and i have these horrible childhood memories of moving 4 times before i was age 7 (my dad was a plumber, there were always layoffs). it's not fun for a kid, and they DO remember.

i'm trying desperately to stay positive, but every time my mind wanders, i feel the tears in my throat. just doing quick searches for employment on craigslist for different cities turns up nothing for someone with no college education...not anything that will support us. we need healthcare, we need a substantial salary, and we need an apartment that will accept dogs.
peaches, right?

i'm going to stop writing now.

1 comment:

Jeremicah said...

I love you. I'm sorry. I relate. And I believe. In miracles, and faeries, and serendipity. And in your beautiful little family.