Wednesday, October 14, 2009

a dream and a heartbreak

my hubby is the sweetest man. he lets me sleep in most mornings until the absolute last minute when he has to leave for work. at 630am harlan wakes me up to cuddle, then gets up with hubby, then i fall back to sleep until 8am. it's a luxury that i do not take for granted.
but some mornings, in these in between sleeps, i dream. when the dreams are dark, the rest of the day is confusing. yesterday morning i dreamed about my younger brother...the brother in a prison in rural tennessee for a tragic crime i truly believe that he didn't commit.
the dream was set in a hill town, not sure why...looked like kentucky. i dreamed that nigel had been given the death penalty, but because of a paperwork mistake was able to walk right out of the courthouse without anyone noticing. he wasn't free, it would only be a matter of time before they were looking for him, but he was determined not to go back. he hid at our house (which was way up on top of a hill in the woods, a cabin, with a fireplace and lots of rugs, i remember vividly). at some point in the dream, i had to decide between the safety of my child and the safety of my brother...whether to turn him in or not. i woke up before the decision was made, but i woke up completely heartbroken just the same.
i realized throughout the day that i wasn't just heartbroken because of the dream...i was heartbroken because if nothing changes (appeal process fails), it will be 26 years before i see my brother again outside of a prison visiting room. 26 years before i get to see him paint again. 26 years before i get to share a meal with him. 26 years before i get to hear him play banjo again. 26 years before he has the freedom to walk into a room without being guided by a guard. he'll be in his fifties when he gets out, i'll be entering my sixties. the weight of the time is so intensely heavy.

for the entire rest of the day, i thought about him and felt completely helpless and heartbroken. i miss you nigel, i really do.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

aww,sug' you didn't have the blahs... you have the blues-thestretchandpullyouinsideout blues. I'm loving on you, sister.