Friday, June 13, 2008

lists

a list of things i should probably stop saying before my child starts discernibly repeating everything i say (none that i'm particularly proud of):

1. 'that's just retarded'
2. 'you know how i know you're gay...'
3. 'pick a lane, douchebag'
4. 'that's what she said'
5. 'oh, for f*ck's sake, pick a lane!!'
6. 'cooch, cunt, 'gina, vaj, and all other naughty words for my holy bits' (as well as surrounding slang, i.e. cunt rag).
7. 'meter readers are boils on the ass of society' (as well as anything i may have said during an on street rant today when a meter reader hid around a corner, watched me get my child out of my car, strap him into his stroller, frantically search through my purse for quarters, then walk away from my car and go into the bodega to get quarters and proceeded to put a ticket on my car in the one minute that i was gone...no lie, i checked the time on my phone and the time on the ticket...just plain mean and bitter...saw said meter reader later walking down the street, almost yelled out "hey you fat fuck, sorry you're such a miserable piece of shit", then realized that she was, in fact, a fat, miserable looking human being, and was afraid if i yelled that at her, i may be personally responsible for her suicide attempt).
8. 'hey you fat fuck, sorry you're such a miserable piece of shit'
9. 'i don't mind maroon 5 so much'
10. 'harlan, did you just shit your diaper?'

3 comments:

Lloyd said...

A few years ago some work buddies and I had a laugh over a magazine article that listed the top things you should never, ever say to your significant other. Our favorite:

"I drink because you make me hate life."

jesse said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Wait until he's four to show him that video with Will Oldham on the L train.

Jamie said...

I often say "That's gay!", when something is ridiculous...I have decided to no longer thwart my daughter perfectly virginal ears with such a negatively used adjective. So now I say “That’s gay”, but closely followed by, “Not in the homosexual way, which is ok…I love gays!”