correction: it is an '18k' gold tipped fountain pen.

this is the man that just bought me a 14k gold tipped fountain pen...loverly loverly loverly. 

one too many mornin's...

not feeling the least bit bloggish of late. with the absolute reality of things weighing so heavy on my head it's harder and harder to lift myself from the pillow each day. but, i do...eventually. 'tis the season...supposedly happy.
to distract myself as of late:
not been doing much reading, other than the occasional copy of the onion, or short story/article from the new yorker. took a four year old child to new york city for her first visit (and during christmas, no less)...outstandingly enlightening. it's funny that i'm still astonished when children notice things i would have never seen, even if i've been there a thousand times. i don't think i've completely forgotten what it was like. have i?
met new friends of mine, old friends of ernie's, visiting from sweden. went to a show in boston, at great scott. saw local bands, tristan da cunha, night rally, and the clickers. spazzy proggish art rock...described by someone as not being within an arm's length of 4/4 time. but, again, i continue to be pleasantly suprised by boston's local music scene. three local bands, and i liked them all. although, call me old fashioned, but the clickers were a little too much fugazi and not enough artrock for me. ;-) ..it's a joke, a really bad joke.
there are many other things i'm sure i could mention...but as i said, not feeling bloggish.
off on a holiday adventure. up to new york, then down to tennessee to see what the new year will bring. it must be better than the last. it really must. i don't think i'll survive another 2004.
cheers.

some girly shot glasses i made with my magical etching creme... 

laundry day...

just a bit of how my life is going right now...
did laundry today. i own 6 pair of pajama pants...and 2 pair of regular pants.
six (6) pair of pajama pants.

so many depressing things in my life, here is one small positive...through the wonder of the internet, found a mix listed on catbirdseat today that some random person had made, that lifted my head.
lovely mix.

more living...

no more positive news from home. only sadness. never did i think that i would one day be afraid to call my family or pick up the phone, for fear of the worst. my brother nigel is still suffering in jail for a horrible crime that he did not commit...that he could not have even contemplated committing. and my youngest brother is still in iraq, i hope doing ok, fighting for democracy.
democracy...what a completely cruel joke. yes, yes, i know we live in one of the more "just" societies in this world...but when utter injustice is affecting the very lives of the people you love, it's almost impossible to rally around it.
but, as is said, by many, when dealing with so much sadness and cruelty that the brain shuts down, "life will go on".

even though the weather in new england is holding out, and the days are nice and breezy at worst...i can't seem to get out of the house for more than a few hours. so, i sit on the couch, and obsessively knit. it's comforting, i suppose. but, i think my muscles are beginning to atrophy. since i went from walking two to three miles a day, to sitting, for hours on end, for days at a time; my body is in protest...and i can barely get out of a chair without my bones cracking and complaining.

so, tonight...it's off to the middle east...for shortlived respite. one of my few favorite things about boston, the beat circus are playing along with a gypsy punk band called gogol bordello and a gothic cabaret band from nyc called barbez (who, if the website is correct, have an amazing theremin player, who actually 'plays' the theremin, and has been playing for eight years, rather than just tinkering with it, as i do). there will also be a fire eater from coney island, to help things along, if the psycho circus music, gypsy punks, and theremin playing just aren't exiting enough for everyone. ;-)

the sky isn't falling...so i guess it's a good day.

this is my new project...you guessed it...another scarf. in double seed stitch...again...easy, distracting. that's all i need. 

close up of the pattern...very easy...very distracting...involves tiny spurts of tedious counting...always good to keep your mind off more urgent matters. 

...bit of a blur...but, to further my distractions in this time of utter unemployment...i finally finished ernie's scarf in basket weave. 

i think i'm going to be sick

this is possibly the saddest, most nauseating thing i've ever read...

sweeping the nation...

i'm much more upset about bush being elected president than i thought i would be. yes, i voted...for kerry. and somewhere, deep down inside, i knew, with the way things have been going lately, that he wouldn't win. the united states is filled with too many greedy idiots for anything good to ever happen, regardless of who becomes president. buckle up everyone, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
i don't know if i can properly explain what's happening in my life without sounding like some sort of sad and tragic novel. "psychological displacement"...i think that's what they call it. i'm almost numb, at this point. tears come only every now and then.
this morning, at three a.m., i had a phone call from my mom, telling me that she had just had a phone call from daniel, my brother in the marines, in iraq. we were afraid of the worst when we found out that the nine marines that had recently been killed in iraq were all in daniel's battalion. he said that he knew most of them, and was close with a few of them. they were only about two miles away when the blast happened. so close. the reality of this whole indescribable madness hits home, every single day...and it's been hitting harder and harder lately.
add this to the incredible pain and tragedy that has already been happening to my family, and i honestly wonder how much more we can take.
if we are under the illusion that we have any sort of "control" over our lives, by trying to live our lives in certain ways (good or bad)...we are horribly wrong. because, as much as we try to 'understand' why such tragedies happen, the absolute truth is that there aren't any real reasons for them.
it's heartbreaking...almost literally, to try to accept this fact. but, there's nothing else to do...life will go on with, or without us, whether we like it or not.

dismal. i know. but hey, that's life, right?

ernie and i blurred almost to nothing... 

ernie and i again. 

ernie and i. 

halloween in our kitchen with andy warhol, michael moore, a yankees fan, and the ringmaster. sally in her bondage.  

also the halloween party....we projected movies onto our celing...for ambiance. i think it may have made everyone sleepy...or maybe that was the wine....ernie and i cheered ourselves up at the end of the night by watching punch drunk love on our 'big screen'... 

our halloween party on saturday. circus theme...it was fun...our decorations turned out better than the actual party...time to change our routine, indeed. 

easier than the saw??? 

easier than the theremin?? 

murphy is beaming...

becomming more and more impossible to be positive about my life and the lives of people that i love, i found that it is easier to be 'distracted' than positive.
at least, my brain seems to think so. so it turns itself on and off and off and on...never paying attention to the time of day or my mood.
distractions of recent:
on thursday night at the middle east club in cambridge, a boston based band called 'the beat circus' had their cd release party. i was absolutely astonished by this band, and would highly recommend to anyone with a penchant for tightly played drunken circus music to buy their new cd 'ringleaders revolt'. they are quite possibly my new favorite thing about boston (favorite things about boston being very rare). opening for the beat circus was a band from brooklyn called 'one ring zero', complete with a theremin and claviola, as well as box drum, and accordian. on their newest cd, 'as smart as we are', they were able to charm several well known authors into writing lyrics for the songs...such as, rick moody, dave eggers, jonathan letham, margaret atwood, lemony snicket, and tons of others. also opening was a cute band from boston called the sob sisters. a three piece with a saw player, flapper outfits and kazoos. just adorable.
in the midst of it all, was a psychotic banjo plucker named curtis eller.
it was quite a show. much needed distraction indeed.
down to tennessee tomorrow. home again in a bit.

future

i never really knew what i wanted to be when i grew up. i guess that's why i never really became anything. i still think sometimes, just for comfort, i'm not grown up. telling myself that i still have more time to do whatever i want with my life, and actually make something meaningful out of it. like i said, for comfort...not reality. i'm pale, i'm pretty whiney and selfish. but quicker than one thinks, priorities in your life can suddenly shift. the only things that i truly care about in my life right now, are getting my little brother out of jail (something that i can do nothing about, short of coming up with a quick fifty thousand dollars), making sure my parents don't both have a nervous breakdown from the stress, and staying in touch with my other younger brother who is fighting somewhere in iraq with the marines, hoping that someone is looking out for him.
so much uncertanty, it's amazing to me that we are even able to walk around like we do, without crumpling up on the sidewalk and crying ourselves to sleep.

horrible world

in the blink of an eye, your whole life can change...with one swift phone call from home...all happy memories now sad...in just a few seconds, everything can be destroyed.

republicans need a little t&a too

the village voice has posted a blog from a waitress at a strip club near the republican national convention in nyc...hilarious.
good read...
http://www.villagevoice.com/blogs/stripclub/

day at walden pond

what better place to contemplate contempation than walden pond in concord ma...so, with much contemplating needing to be accomplished i dished out the five dollars to ride the commuter rail up to sweet serenity...or, at least, a good swim.
i realized when i got off the train i would have to walk two miles to the pond. it was hot...and by the time i got there, it was hard to start my contemplating with my bathing suit/tank top covered in sweat. the water was clean, and lovely are warm. and the children were loud, and crazy.
there was a group of girls beside me from cambridge reading some sort of magazine trying to figure out (by quiz with calculations) if they were, in fact, "hipsters", or "cambridge intellectuals"...i think they were actually "harvard grad students"...and i'm sure their little discussion was on the joking side, even though they did seem very concerned that they didn't fit into a category, although pleased with themselves at having come to this conclusion on their own, without help of quiz. i had to swim to almost the middle of the lake to cleanse myself of their chatter...then, being very out of shape, i had to float back...for fear of drowning. it might be easier to contemplate while drowning...but i didn't feel like drowing today.
i tried to think...i packed my things and moved to the other side of the beach..still could not think...i also couldn't get that shins song out of my head...all of them...they're all so catchy...ridiculous.

most of the day was spent sleeping on my towel, or watching babies...or staring directly into the sun (with sunglasses of course)...no contemplating. i'm jobless...i'm 29...i'm spending the day at the beach...i have the love of a good man...things could be much...much...worse.

orwell

delving deeper into non fiction, i'm now reading "the girl from the fiction department: a portrait of sonia orwell". sonia orwell was George orwell's second wife, she co-edited his four volume collection of non fiction writings, and was friends with w.h. auden, lucian freud, vivien leah and frances bacon. she was also the model for julia from orwell's 1984. apparently, orwell biographers in the past have painted a very negative portrait of her.
i'm not often a fan of biographies, but this one caught my eye...and i think it's going to, at least, be worth the time it takes to read the 178 pages.

emergenC

with nothing, absolutely nothing else to write today...i must give words to my favorite anti-oxident friend, EMERGEN-C. you taste great, and when i'm down, you bring me back up...at least for a bit.

bebe wise

on a lighter note than my last post, i would like to thank the one year old child on the train this morning for making my beginning a little more pleasant. although we were all equally packed like sardines onto the red line, this little innocent decided that it was his duty, even with his busy day ahead of him, to put his tiny hand on our legs and tell each and every one of us 'hi'.
thank you little man, you kept my head from exploding.

casualties

Main Entry: ca·su·al·ty
Pronunciation: 'ka-zh&l-tE, 'kazh-w&l-, 'ka-zh&-w&l-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 archaic : CHANCE, FORTUNE
2 : serious or fatal accident : DISASTER
3 a : a military person lost through death, wounds, injury, sickness, internment, or capture or through being missing in action b : a person or thing injured, lost, or destroyed : VICTIM the ex-senator was a casualty of the last election.

...yesterday i phoned my mom. my little brother daniel, who is in the marines, now stationed in okinawa, was supposed to find out when his unit would be sent to iraq. i was worried, because there has been quite a bit going on over there the past few days, and it seems like we lose soldiers by the hour at some points. my mother told me that daniel had called her on sunday and said that they still didn't know when they were going to iraq, a marine in his unit had died there recently of heat stroke, and things were a little crazy at the base. the military were investigating of course, but he was only 19, and the opinion is that he just wasn't aware that his body was failing, and didn't take enough time to rest in the heat. i felt guilty for being relieved that because of this, daniel was staying in japan...a much safer place to be right now...at least for a few more weeks. i feel for his family...to them, he was still their child (i'm sure his mom still saw his baby face when she looked at him)..and it was an unfortunate accident, he didn't die a heroic death...but still, a casualty, just the same.

baby face and falafel

in a hastily planned "date" my darling and i went to see 'baby face' for free at the boston public library. a pre code movie from 1933 starring barbara stanwyck, baby face is a very racy film about a 'lady of the night' who moves to nyc and sleeps her way to the top. even being pre code, it was unfortunately subject to the hayes code, and some severe editing that make the movie absolutely hilarious in spots and causes the tacked on 'morally approved' ending to be just completely absurd. all in all a fun movie, and the library added on a betty boop cartoon at the beginning that blatantly showcased sexual harassment between betty and the 'big boss'.
after the movie, sweetie and i went to CAFE JAFFA just off boylston street in the back bay...a great little middle eastern restaurant that serves mango sangria for two in a large shallow bowl with straws, and has the best baba ghanouj and falafel i've ever tasted. and in boston, great, inexpensive middle eastern food is a rare find.

go

in hopes that we will better ourselves and have something other than debt to possibly pass on to our children, my esteemed significant other and i visited the massachusetts go association in somerville, ma for beginners night last night to learn to play this ancient game.
at the end of the night, my brain, like most in the room who were learning, was a little numb. like learning chess, you learn the basics, get the hang of it, and then realize you don't know anything about the game at all. the subtleties and intricacies of the game are boundless. the joke (or proverb...at times, one in the same) last night was that it was best 'to lose your first 50 games as quickly as possible.' oh, and did i mention you get to play with little black and white stones? i'm sure that pelting stones at your opponent to intimidate them is not permitted in tournament play, but i'm sure it would make the game a bit more appealing to the masses.

continuous reading...

in an attempt to quench, at least for twenty minutes, my increasing boredom with this day (slower than usual)...i walked down to the boston public library (i.e. one of the most beautiful places in boston) and borrowed two books:
"the murder of dr.chapman: the legendary trials of lucretia chapman and her lover" by linda wolfe -and-
"ghost ship: the mysterious true story of the mary celeste and her missing crew" by brian hicks
...needless to say i'm addicted to non fiction...although i did finish 'pnin' by nabokov and was, as per usual, astonished still at how much i love nabokov and everything he does. highly recommended, quick (190 pgs), entertaining (laugh out loud funny in spots), and beautiful read.

testament to boredom

it seems that each time that i tell someone all i do at work is answer the phone, they always have suggestions as to what i can do with my spare time. so, i've come up with a few things of my own.
things i can do at work with my spare time:
*knit large sweaters and afghans for everyone i know
*read the entire bibliographies of tolstoy, dostoevski, turgenev, nabokov, gogol, chekhov, pushkin, bulgakov, and lemony snicket.
*write a novel wherein the first letter of each word of each sentence corresponds with ascending letters of the alphabet: for example- a buxom curlyhaired dingbat enters five grown...etc.etc.
*neatly fold ten thousand tiny origami stars
*memorize the origins of every word in the oxford english dictionary
*handmake one thousand pink pasties for my, soon to be highly acclaimed,"five hundred girl burlesque revue"
*tone my upper and lower arms to the point where i can bend steel
*learn to say "wow, those are huge bananas!" in forty different languages
*dig a hole through my cubicle with a spoon, and bust outta this joint!
*ponder ways in which elmer fudd could actually succeed at 'killing the wabbit'

...any and all further suggestions for things i can do at work in my spare time will be taken under careful consideration.

hank

'when the spirit wanes, the form appears' -c.b.
to all and any fans of charles bukowski, do yourself a favor and go see 'born into this'.  if you are not a fan of bukowski, do yourself a favor and pick up one of his books and read it to the end. 

 

dnc?

the democratic national convention is in full swing here in boston, and while it is calm and quiet on the streets of this town, due to a mass exodus of all employees, students and residents...it is still a little strange.  i don't know if on a normal day in boston, i would walk through the public garden in my daily commute and onto the street to see five delivery trucks, sides plastered with large, graphic pictures of mutilated, bloody, unborn babies...probably not.  i can't properly describe how offended i was by these trucks...i honestly wanted to stop one of them and ask them what exactly was the point of what they were doing ???  the answer, unfortunately, would have probably involved much spitting and yelling.  in between dry heaves, i was quite baffled.  how can a logical, and obviously very organized, group of people even think that you're going to change someone's opinion by cleverly manipulating medical photographs of dead deformed babies on photoshop.  they were pictures of full term babies!!!  
like i said...baffled.

 

 

 

democratics

it's the beginning of the democratic convention in boston. anticipating a crazy chaotic mess when i woke this morning, i was pleasantly surprised to find boston completely calm, almost ghostly. barely any cars on the road, the trains were practically empty for a monday morning, and the sidewalks were a little desolate.
other than the demostraters, protesters, and constant low flying helicopter presence, things are just peachy.
i honestly think everyone just stayed home. how odd.

iraq

My War: Fear and Loathing in Iraq

....this is a really great blog, with interesting comments as well. granted, it's a little "right of center", but it is pretty raw and fairly clever...and covered in irony in spots.

reading...

pnin by vladimir nabokov

my favorite line from the book so far:
"he had a deep admiration for the zipper."

things learned...

while being one of the best albums ever recorded, at least in the top ten, bruce springsteen's 'nebraska' is not a good headphone album for the hustle and bustle of the morning commute into boston. fyi.

now reading...

in the wake of madness: the murderous voyage of the whaleship sharon' by joan druett

. 
i would like to say that i quite enjoy the fact that it is now very fashionable for non fiction to read like fiction, no matter the subject.  everything from salt, to maps, to dictionary origins are being written about as if they were the most exiting things one could ever possibly read about.
why it wasn't always done this way, i'll never know.
 

babies and bathwater

making an unfortunate, and never to be repeated, mistake yesterday, i had (or tried to have) a political debate with my mother.  it was spurred by the fact that she was horrified to learn that i was voting for kerry, and i was even more horrified to learn that she was voting for bush (especially, since she lives in tennessee and it's a fairly important swing state).  i couldn't believe just how angry it made me that my own mother had been sucked into the right wing propaganda that infects the south.  she raved about what a horrible character kerry was, and how we have to stand behind our president, and that they should send michael moore (or, "that lying bastard") to prison.  of course, she had no facts to back any of this up, so it was pointless, absolutely pointless to try to have any sort of debate whatsoever.  what saddened me more, is that my younger brother is in the marines and will soon be shipped to one of two places, iraq or afghanistan.  a fact which, i think, causes my mother to actually put full faith in what she hears on the right wing talk shows that she listens to.  it's the only way for her to deal with the fact that he could possibly be killed...it would be impossible for her to think that he might die for the horrible reasons that he actually might die for.  the propaganda she listens to makes it sound noble, it makes sense of the entire situation, when the situation, in actuality, doesn't make sense at all.
i hung up the phone feeling tired, and beaten, and depressed.  even more depressing was my lack of faith in the "new" administration, or the "johns" as they've so affectionately been referred to.  unfortunately, i subscribe to the "anyone but bush" mentality, which is so rampant these days...and it make me incredibly sad, and nervous. 
so, bottom line, to keep my sanity...no more political discussions with my mother.  whatsoever.  period.
 
 
 

peeking

on my daily commute i see many odd things...as i'm sure we all do.  this morning, while trying desperately to get involved in my book (yes, 'master and margarita', i will try to finish you again, though, this is turning into quite a disfunctional relationship, you know), i noticed that the guy sitting beside me and the girl on the other side of me were doing the same crossword puzzle.  one in ink, one in pencil.  just as i noticed this, i also noticed that the 'one in ink' was copying answers from the 'one in pencil'.   sneaky, sly little bastard.  the most humerous part about this, is that the crossword puzzle they were trying to finish was the one from the free handout paper "the boston metro"...how hard could it be?  um, mr.cheating in ink, who are you trying to impress by getting all of the spaces filled? 
  

white teeth

i finished reading white teeth. i liked it. i could wax on a little about why ,exactly, i like it, but i won't..having done that a little earlier. one thing i will say, to anyone who happens to have been raised as a jehovah's witness reading the book, it IS a work of fiction. there are many, many misconceptions in the book about being a jehovah's witness (including basic docterines and practices). it gets a little frustrating, but you soon realize that she was using these misconceptions to further the plot of the book, and make the story a bit more interesting. it is still a great read, especially considering she wrote it when she was 23 years old.

banjar

a show last night at johnny d's in davis square. danny barnes, banjo virtouoso, oldtime songwriting wonder, ex leader of the bad livers. i have never seen a man treat an instrument as if he were playing 'with it', rather than playing 'it'. i mean to say, the banjo seemed almost seperate from him, as if they had an understanding before the show...
"now, i will hold you up properly, and pick the proper strings, and you just, you know, do your thing..how's that sound?"
"ok then."
...it was raw but flawless.
he played a few covers, including becks "loser" and george jones "he stopped loving her today" (which brought me to tears, of course, as that song always does, no matter the day or the hour).
check him out if you've never heard, you won't be disappointed: http://www.dannybarnes.com/

frankly my dear...

i hate the movie, gone with the wind...i think it's an extremely long stint of dribble...but this, i think, is histerical, and quite relative, don't you think?
"Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war. This war talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this spring. I get so bored I could scream." - Scarlett O'Hara

miss zadie

currently reading zadie smith 'white teeth'...it takes quite a bit for me to get interested in modern fiction, and she is very young, so i was apprehensive (because i tend to be snotty like that, she's actually my age)...now that i am 367 pages into the book, i can't believe how well i am enjoying it. she is a superb story teller, reminding me mostly of rushdie, a bit of tom robbins mixed in there (but not on purpose i imagine). it's hard to say without sounding like mush, but she writes with wisdom, without sounding 'old'. and for the summer months, it is the perfect read...being not too heavy, but still intelligent and beautiful. i would highly recommend it.

irritation #1654

if you are someone who is constantly talking...chatter chatter chatter...with opinions that have no basis in fact or logic, could you please be quiet? or in the least, when someone is annoyed enough by your constant tripe to try contradicting you, open your ears and shut your mouth.

hung out to dry

red line:eight fifteen in the morning.
find a seat. thank god, a seat. smells. breath. bad breath. armpits. perfume. feet. ass. shampoo, or lack of. greasy noses. dirty earlobes. bumps..bumps...wobbles...bumps. speeds up...slows down..stop..go. only a few more stops...you can make it...keep it down...keep it down. change trains. green line. two stops. bagel. water. headache. phones. i made it.

a list of three names..

zelda
esme
trilby

living is easy...

a list of things that have been on my list of things to do for around ten years now:
1. learn another language, possibly french
2. get up earlier in the morning
3. eat healthier
4. read more
5. write more
6. learn to sew
7. go to school

there are many more. each time i write them, it feels like the first time i've written them...is my memory that bad? denial, i think.

cubes

it is completely quiet in the office. almost total silence except for the sporadic clicking of keys, and shuffling of papers coming from the woman in the cube next to mine. no radio, no chatter...just mind numbing waves of white air conditioner noise seeping into my brain.
i am almost to an understanding of why so many people have blogs...i see everyone on the train every day at five o'clock, desperate for some sort of human contact. or maybe not. maybe just desperate to be heard, to speak, to hear something other than eight hours of cube noise.

i have a phone i can answer, but as i am a "temp to perm" employee, i have nothing else to do but answer this one phone. it rings, every five minutes or so, the phone calls last as long as it takes the person on the other end to ask for the person they wish to speak with, and no longer, ever.

i suppose it's nice to be here. i have a big window, overlooking fountains. and it is quiet, of course...saving my ears. i read now, quite a bit. zadie smith, the author of choice at the moment. a pleasant summer read.

no complaining...right?

day in the woods

i guess i've not decided what exactly to write into one of these 'blogs'...it just seems so odd to me...but here i am, writing for the world to see.
i can't say that i'm completely comfortable with the idea just yet. maybe tomorrow.

self involved

trial blog...to check out the fuss.